Well, yesterday wasn’t much better than the day before. The wait is over and the result is the same. The answer I hoped would be different…isn’t. It isn’t medical or life-threatening to anyone. It isn’t even earth shaking to anyone but the two of us.
What it is…well it’s difficult and it’s personal and it’s business and it’s rejection without a hint of feeling and it just hurts. It really doesn’t matter what it is. What matters is that every single one of us will have things that do this to us. There will be things out of our control that make absolutely no sense to us and bring the angry emotions and the frustrated feelings roaring up to the surface and have them threatening to boil over onto every other detail in an otherwise beautiful day.
We knew it might end this way. As a matter of fact, my husband was kind enough to read my previous post and then say, “Well, honey, just remember your second point on here—it may not go the way we hope and if it doesn’t, He’s got a reason for that, too.” I hate it when he does that. I hate it when I know something and I say it and then it gets handed back to me as proof that I was right to begin with over something. I don’t want to just be right. I want what I want! (Can’t you just see the tantrum over here?)
Ever been there?
So…what to do in the midst of this emotional storm? First, I could choose to go back and read my earlier post. I was right, after all, so maybe it will be helpful. (Ok, I really was so hurt and angry that I actually did need to go look to see what my second point was!) Here it is again: “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret—it only causes harm.” Psalm 37:8 (Thanks for the reminder that my immediate reactions aren’t the end of it—You have provided a better plan for me that doesn’t include anger or worry.)
Well, Hrumph! Can I just say that this is where I really just wanted to scream or say one of those words my mother would still try to wash my mouth out for using…and it wouldn’t do any good at all because then I’d just have something else I needed to apologize to God about before I was finished?
Actually, I made a drastically different second choice–because while it may not be our first reaction each time we’re hurt or angry, we can still make a choice about our subsequent actions. This is where I chose to start telling God “thank you” for:
- Having a plan—and better than that, having one that is for my good (Jeremiah 29:11).
- Always being right and for loving me even when I’m like this.
- Having the Psalmist write verse 8 of Chapter 37, so I could have wisdom in the heat of the moment.
- Having Paul write Ephesians 4: 26 & 27, 30-32, so I know that I can be angry and still choose not to sin and that, instead, I can choose to start forgiving even in my anger.
- Giving me a husband who will allow me to vent and yet hold me accountable for doing it God’s way.
- Time to process what is happening. I didn’t just automatically jump from that incredulous angry hurt straight into a full-blown heart of thanksgiving. I am choosing to be thankful while the hurt is still present and while the anger is still receding. It is the quickest way I know to get past it. You simply cannot be consumed with gratitude and anger at the same time. God will always get the upper hand and I’d rather choose to be grateful and rest on what I know to be true about Him than wallow in what I may never understand about someone else–don’t miss that because it is really important.
- Having a plan. I know. That was my first one. It needs to be repeated because God does have a plan for us in this situation. Now it becomes our job to tune in to Him and find out what it is…once I get a little further down the path…right now, I’m still giving thanks and processing. Maybe tomorrow? I’ve got a lot to process…and a lot to be thankful for…