wanderings (and wonderings)

It is WAY too early in the morning and here I am…reading and typing and learning more about who I am in Christ.  I started to leave off those last two words, but I find I can’t really separate who I am from Him.  It isn’t pious.  It is passionate.  Passionate faith can be difficult…

Sometimes I can’t sleep.  Questions run through my mind over and over and it’s not worry so much as it is that I hate waiting on the answers and wondering why I’m supposed to be doing “this.”  No matter what the answer is…I just want to know now.  I can be impatient.  (Sound familiar?)  Part of my reading brings me back to Oswald Chambers and his writing for September 12th (PLEASE make sure you join me there sometime today–in print, if you already have it or check it out online at  http://utmost.org/ …) where I come to the very last two sentences which say, “Stand off in faith believing that what Jesus said is true, though in the meantime you do not understand what God is doing.  He has bigger issues at stake than the particular thing you ask.”  Well, yeah, of course He does!…and ouch!

There’s nothing unknown there for me, but it hits me all brand new in these early morning hours and gives me a spiritual wake-up call.  Once again, it isn’t all about me.  Regardless of His decision about even the most unimportant details of my life, they are His to make.  It isn’t a cop-out and it isn’t always easy, but there it is:  if I really want to belong to Him, to be in relationship with Him and say that He is Lord, then shouldn’t my job be more focused on following His instructions and less on the reasoning why and the trying to figure out all the solutions that I want and how to get them?

Please don’t take that last sentence as a call to check your brain at the door and follow blindly.  God created us with the ability to think, to reason, and I fully believe that He intends for us to do so…we’re just not going to always immediately come to the same conclusions that He does because while there are days that we’re marching behind the elephants, He’s always seeing the whole parade.

While in the elephant’s shadow, I’ve come to the stunning (note the sarcasm) conclusion that I don’t always share well.  Oh, I don’t have trouble sharing things.  I have more trouble sharing me…which makes me wonder why God wanted me to start a blog…where sharing is the largest part of things.  I’ve always been a private person.  I’ve been known to sit and just listen for hours and take little part in the conversation while another person poured out their soul.  I wasn’t always like that.  (At this point there are actually people who are laughing out loud at that last sentence…just so you know.)  I used to freely share any and all opinions with the world at large…and then I figured out that I didn’t really know enough to do that.  It was humbling.  It was needed.  I learned to shut up and listen.  To learn and be quiet.  To search out and share HIS opinions and not just my own.  In fact, to learn that my opinions should actually be His and not  just my own.  And then, just when I thought I was getting a pretty good handle on that “being quiet” thing, God said to start a blog.  It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, but there it is.

Sharing your opinions–even with people you know–isn’t baring your soul.  You can do that and still remain extremely private.  This sharing of life–of self–is way more difficult…way more personal.  I know that God wants to use this and I’m still trying to figure out exactly how He will when maybe I should just go with it.  I also know that since this got started that it seems I’ve had a lot more ‘opposition’ in life.  I don’t think that’s a coincidence.  Maybe it’s part of the plan.  Either way, I’m right back where I started.  Being obedient doesn’t mean I’ll always understand the “why”—it just means I have to try.  Pray for me? Better yet–pray with me.

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One thought on “wanderings (and wonderings)

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