Processing…it isn’t always pretty.
I haven’t written anything since Monday. I’ve been too full of emotion and I’ve needed the space. Writing it down makes it more real for me and helps me process through the things I’m dealing with—and while that might have helped, I’ve honestly been too angry to do it.
I needed to calm down a bit first.
Change can be difficult. It can bring up emotions you never expected and those emotions—and the ones that they bring about–can become the focus instead of just the reaction. That isn’t a good thing.
Our move is a good thing. Better than that, it is a God-thing.
I know there will be changes and I understand that some of them will be difficult. I’ve been through this before…several times. What I have never experienced before, however, has been the utter lack of joy and celebration and even some perhaps well-meaning, but oh-so-hard-to-respond-to-kindly attempts at guilt that has accompanied our news in some quarters. (and from people aren’t even family members—who, by the way, responded beautifully!) It has made a good, but difficult thing even more difficult and I have not been responding very well.
My feelings were hurt and all I could think of was the verse in Scripture that says,
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 (NIV)
These people weren’t rejoicing with me—at all! Didn’t they know?! Didn’t they get it?
It took awhile, but then I remembered the last part of that verse also applied to me: “mourn with those who mourn.” I will admit that that hasn’t been particularly easy for me to do. I’m serious when I tell you that I’m glad we’re loved and I’m grateful we’ll be missed here, but I find it hard to mourn what God is doing in our lives right now! As a result, I’ve really wanted to shake some people out of their mourning and right into some joy. You know that always works well, right?! Right.
I’m honestly not sure I’ll ever publish this without some serious revisions, but I’ve needed to get this out and start the healing for myself. Trust me when I tell you that whatever you’re reading right now is WAY cleaner and prettier than my first draft. Being a Christian doesn’t mean I will always respond the way Christ did…that’s the goal, but I am human enough to miss the mark…sometimes by a really wide margin. I need a lot of grace. I need a LOT of grace. I need enough to coat my own soul and I need enough to share with others…even those who have made life harder in recent days. Perhaps I need an extra portion of that grace right now especially for them because while I forgot to mourn, they forgot to rejoice.
And God is still in charge of it all.
Blessed be the name of the Lord who daily loads us up with benefits…and forgiveness…and lots and lots of grace. Help me, Father, to share both of those things well.